Transcending Pain and Running through light.

Recently I started running.  I wanted to see if I could reduce my rare chronic pain disorder through fitness.  I've poo pooed on running 95% of my life.  I used to joke, "What's the point?  You just end up where you started."  I was ignorant.

I run in a local park I can reach by foot from my house that has a few trails.  Running with cars sucks.  Running with trees, birds, water, and sky is bliss.  Last night to beat the heat, I went for a run by moon light in the park.  Mind you the heat index at 12:30 am when I left was still in the upper 80's.  It was a 3/4 moon and I got more than I requested.

The run to the park is boring.  About a mile of necessary sidewalk to reach the wooded trail.  I turned down the trail and about 100 yards in I saw joy.  The light of the street lamps now gone, I was swallowed by the fireflies.  Their numbers were staggering.  I was immersed in a blanket of blinking lights that stole my breath.  I was swimming.  I was floating.  I was gliding like a spaceship through a sea of stars going supernova.  Each one bursting with light only long enough to pick out an individual and then it was gone.  Gone forever.  I was free falling.  I put my hands up like you do on a roller coaster when you are a child.  I had no voice to scream.  It didn't make sense anyway.  Bullfrogs cheered with their deep voices like it was the most awesome fourth of July fireworks presentation.  Crickets chirped with a deafening harmonic.  And so I leaped.

I leaped up and out.  I leaped deep and in.  I leaped to thoughtlessness.  My mind was quiet.  I left my pain with the body so I had escaped it too.  I thought of nothing.  I just witnessed from within and out.  For 400 yards I was neither here nor there.  I wasn't even.  I was gone.  Then I made the left I always do and climbed up and away from the scene of the crime.  It was over.

With the fireflies gone, the bullfrogs silent and the chirps missing I slipped back into myself.  But I had the pain of the run.  So I focused on that.  I focused in a positive way.  I have chronic pain so this was nothing in comparison and I focused on it only to keep me from replaying my days.  I wanted to be someplace with out worry and the focus on the pain was helping.  The dark was playing tricks on me now.  I was in the woods and my mind was filling in the blanks my eyes failed to sense.  Figures and shapes appearing in the black.  I climbed up and up.  Suddenly and unexpectedly, I had arrived at my destination.  I didn't know I was going here but there I was.

I stood on the hillside peering over an unobstructed view of the park.  The fireflies were now a hundred feet below me.  Dense.  Very dense.  I was here on the hill and there in the prairie with the fireflies.  I was also touching the moon and swimming in the lake.  I stopped running.  I didn't want to move on.  I wanted to build a house right there and move in.  It was lonely, like I needed to be.

I think of the fireflies on my windshield differently now.

Emboding the Night Owl and Being Comfortable Alone.

Penny Smallshire

I am a Night Owl.   I am a predator of those private moments that I can only find late at night.  I have always been like this.  Now that I have a busy life with lots of commitments, it is the only time left for me.   I can't explain it.  I just need this time.  Moments to myself that are distinctly missing during the day.  So I thieve them silently in the night.  Some times I pay for it later but its worth it.  Like a dog stealing a steak from the table knowing full well he will take a beating but he thinks the steak is worth the pain.

I love to be alone.  There is a calm and confidence that I nurture when I'm alone.  I believe there are things that can only be realized and accomplished alone.  Most people are not comfortable alone.  They seek to fill their time with the presence of others.  Sometimes to a flaw.  I am at peace alone in the vast emptiness.  I poses confidence that exceeds most.  Am I too confident?  Probably but you can't know where the line is until you cross it.  I attribute much to this time spent alone while most find being alone uncomfortable.

This comfort with myself and silence gives me an advantage.  At least in the USA, it is culturally unpleasant for two or more people clustered to be silent.  In General, it is not natural for humans to allow silence in the presence of others.  We often awkwardly fill the empty space.  Sometimes giving away ourselves.  As the predator, I am looking for the pregnant pause.  Finding it, I don't touch it.  I let it ripen.  Out waiting the other person, resisting the desire to fill the empty space, puts you in the position to react rather than act.  Reaction is the position of power and strength.

"If it doesn't serve you, don't speak" - Ben Franklin

The only way to become comfortable being alone by yourself or in the presence of others can only be acquired by regularly speeding time alone. Preferably, doing nothing of value.  Sit, walk, run, meditate, write a blog no one reads, do what ever it takes to allow the multitude of voices in your head to get their thoughts off of their chests.

Benjamin Hodgetts

The owl is my totem.  I am happy I know this.  Can't imagine not knowing my totem.  I would be at a lose.

The owl is a predatory, silent, fast, agile and his huge forward facing eyes allow him to see in stereo with little light.  Little know, their eyes are fixed in their head and it is the flexibility of their necks that allow them to survey their world.  These fixed eyes allow them to really focus on one thing in a way that humans can not.  They can see in low light.  They can see into the soul and the secrets within.

 

Seeing past the bug juice and projecting myself forward in the night

I'm driving.  It's late.  Real late.  I'm making my way across country.  Happy for the time we are making while the kids are asleep.  Driving any distance with kids is impossible, unless they are asleep.  I love to drive.  I love an open road.  Wife is asleep now.  No radio just the drone of the car on the road.  This stretch has a wonderful hum with it's newly applied grooves.  It's not lolling me to sleep as I am the night owl.  A predator for these moments that only happen at this hour and these rare events.  Absolutely meditation.  I am happily split into two separate beings.  I am conscious and aware that the second self is neither conscious nor aware.  It is this second unaware state that I am now culturing.  Like a proud parent on a park bench, I watch the second traipse in and out of concepts.  The conscious self is setting traps carefully to capture sparks of creativity flying off as the second plays.  These sparks are what I seek.  Things that can only be made by the ignorant playful self.

The speed is adding to the effect.  The straightness of the the road.  And the forced gaze into the oncoming lights.  Now I divide again.  I'm projected forward out of the car just beyond the windshield.  I am the car.  I'm delighted with my new third self who gets to be the car.  Even if it is a mini-van.  The cars existence is simple, drive.  And with my decades of driving experience I have a trained mind that does not need the frontal lobe to operate.  It just happens, thoughtlessly.  I am three now; the car, the ignorant and the conscious creator sliding back and forth between two children making sure each has their needs.  I don't find this difficult or exhausting but like I said a meditation.  It's relaxing and nurturing.

Technically we are doing 85miles/hr. but all three of us are standing still in the quiet of the night.  Each existing blissfully.  Two of which are only aware of themselves.  Me as the car, is totally focused on the repetitive task, rapped in a mantra of following the line.  The other runs free in fields and streams of thoughts past and present.  Creating collages of my mind.  It is these collages that are ugly, some beautiful and some are births of new concepts that the conscious self quietly records as a voyeur of true creativity.

And now it is gone!  I am dramatically and unpleasantly reunified.  I am conscious and my other selves have gone.  It's 2am in the morning.  I'm driving 85/hr and I am kept from my illusion that I am a blissful ignorant by the newest juice to be produced on the windshield, a lightening bug.  Tail still blinking, I turn on the wipers and the windshield becomes a huge smear of grease.   The road kill that I was able to focus beyond before now drives me deeper back into the car as I can no longer see efficiently.  I am once again a single being.

Slightly annoyed and depressed about the lose of my second and third self, I check my minds pockets.  And there mostly intact, are the new creative concepts left behind for me by me.  I spend the next few minutes rutting them in so as not to lose them.  Everyone is awake now.  The opportunity is gone.  I will miss myselves but am thankful for these new original thoughts.

Editing as a means to Increasing True Self

The process of editing to most, feels like cheating, especially when we put it in the context of seeking the Truth.  To most, Truth is only constructed honestly by including all parts.  This is often played out in the media when we are shown snippets of video only later to learn that the context was lost or distorted.  But the Truth can be diluted by the minutia.

An important part of my photographic art training was accepting editing.  Editing plays a huge role in photographic art.  Without it the gems would be diluted by a sea of accidents.  It was this proper editing that actually made the valuable pieces, just that, valuable.  The importance of absolute editing became clear when other students would pull my edited images from the trash and use them in their collages or other pieces.  This was a violation of my editing process.  Absolute editing meant the complete secrecy and ultimate destruction of all accidents.  Sadly, trust no one with accidents or they could be used in ways you never intended or worse don't believe to be true.

The Photographer does not feel dishonest by showing only their very best work.  In fact, they feel it is the editing that illuminates the Truth.  For them, Truth is not everything they capture but a mere fragment.  They must eliminate, in my case the bulk of the shots, to get at the Truth they was seeking.

As you know I have been weeding much this year, and this is too is editing.  I do it in pursuit of a garden that is direct and honest in its own presentation.  It has been sculpted.  My hand is ever present, everywhere you look.  And yet I hope it feels natural, effortless and beautiful (True).

Editing feels wrong and unnatural at first, you must learn to forgive and forget.  Allow yourself to believe that accidents, all though created, need to be uncreated.  Forgiveness is huge in seeking Truth (self).  You are not your past.  And as part of forgiveness you must let go as if it never happened.  Yes, that's right, Truth is partially found by editing and forgetting certain things.  For Truth is not a solid but a liquid that flows for each of us.  Truth is not something we can share with others but only find for ourselves.  Truth is, you naked, standing in front of a mirror surrounded by your best qualities and none of the bad.  The bad have been forgiven and forgotten.  Move on, you are someone new.  This is the most difficult part, Forgiving yourself.  Once you do that, it is already forgotten, for they are a coupled pair.

Your Truth is not the sum of all your experiences.  You experiences help influence who you are but your essence (Truth), right now at this very moment, does not have to bare the weight of all your accidents or all your successes.  Live in the now (no matter how much you may want not to) as the past grows distorted and cloudier by the second.  In this very moment and all moments, you are only all your best qualities, you are poor potential.  You are just born and pure.  You are True and Beautiful.  Believe this and you can live a multitude of lives always being who ever you want to be at that moment.

Living and working amongst the wolves: Diffusing the Aggression

I'm an open-source developer and advocate.  I have been for a long time.  The business model is a Labor and Expertise model as all knowledge is free.  This is a wonderful way to work.  People helping people.  98% of the time, it is all warm fuzzies.  I would have it no other way.

But the wolves are out there.  Spreading anger and snapping at everyone.  This is exacerbated by the fact that the vast community of developers communicate through Instant message, email, blogs, and forums.  They lack face to face interactions and this leaves them less sensitive.  They displace their anger and attack the innocent.  They are aggressive and passive-aggressive.  I have seen ugly fights break out on twitter, IRC and blog posts.  It's not pretty.  The wolves think they are fighting with an individual(s) or ideal.  The are fighting online in front of the whole community and for the world to see.


The damage the wolves do is not just contained to their victims.  Those poor newbies who stumble on this behavior may believe this is standard fair in open source development.  This absolutely causes negative growth in developer numbers.  One rant will take an enormous number of pats on the back to overcome.

For the newbie who just got their head handed to them:

I'm sincerely sorry that happened to you.  Most developers are not like this.  Really!  Most of the time when people yell it is because they don't feel heard.  Like anyone, developers appreciate a show of effort.  I challenge you; instead of shrinking away, go do your homework and come back with a stronger more detailed explanation of your issue.  Spit the minutia.  This alone usually diffuses the situation.  Wolves appreciate those that are willing to fight for what they need and having all the facts so they can efficiently help you.  Wolves hate long conversations.  Think about the Wolf and what they need to help you when you are writing your question.

"Google before you Twitter" - unknown source

For the Wolves (That's you!  There is a Wolf in all of us.):

You have to learn to ignore the un-researched questions. Your time is precious, spend it helping those that have shown effort.  Sticks don't work with newbies.  Before you send that rant, ask yourself, "Am I going to feel better about myself after sending this?"  A post is permanent and lives on in many forms even after the source is deleted.  Don't forget, you need the pack (community) to be most effective.  Don't isolate yourself.  Send it to a friend first and see what they think.  Send it to me.  Basically, slow down and breathe.  Fighting is not Rolling Down Hill.

Andy Glass

Or better yet, engage the newbie.  You are so deep in it, you can never know what is like to start from the beginning ever again.  Talking to the newbie to figure out where the failure is happening may be very illuminating.  It might turn out it was actually your fault because your README.txt is not so readable.

"Think before you submit."